So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
