Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
