cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
