i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
