That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
