i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
