I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
