Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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