from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
