You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize
