If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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