we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
