I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
