i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
