did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
