a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm too high and old for this...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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