Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
cat food counts as protein by the way
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
