WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
