gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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