Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
