I faked an abortion last night.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
