Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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