i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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