I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
