everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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