When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
