i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
