just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
