Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
