I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
