You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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