So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
