I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
