I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
