I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
this is an emotional support booty call
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
