Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
