I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
