guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
