Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
