i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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