Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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