Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
