Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
