If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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