If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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