Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
