Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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