i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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