No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
