Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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