I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
did you just send me my own nude
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
