i don't plan on having that self control this summer
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
